I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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