when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
bring money and cleavage
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
