I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
