I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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