I have demons in me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
