You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
