Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
