if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
