Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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