i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
