I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
