I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The power of my boobs compel you
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
