i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
