You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
