pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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