DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
