I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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