Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
