I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
