This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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