Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
