Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
