this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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