he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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