She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
