She's JV to your varsity
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
