Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
