evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
