I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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