Your tits are I can't wait for
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
