Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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