you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
