I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
