im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
