that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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