Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
