I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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