I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
