I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
