Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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