Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
