She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
