wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
