Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
