ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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