i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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