giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
