Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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