She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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