omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
