I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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