Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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