He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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