I will die if light touches me.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
