I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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