i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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