My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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