my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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