drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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