I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
